I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
