i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
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