mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
