sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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