I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
barbara walters just said penis...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
soo... how was my night?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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