Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
