ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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