There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
