If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Reggie can tackle my bush.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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