In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
