I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
