i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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