I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
