Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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