We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
