In the future we'll all be gay
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
