ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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