Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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