I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
