I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
