We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
