we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
In America we eat man semen.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I have tasted many bathrooms
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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