Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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