Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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