My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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