She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
