I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
