So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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