Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
