didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
