last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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