If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
