I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
