Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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