Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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