you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
