I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
