also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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