Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
