after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
