your parents love me but you hate me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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