laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
