I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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