I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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