Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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