Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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