i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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