youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
