How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
