I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
