I puked a lego.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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