so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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