turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
