Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
