I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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