Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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