I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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