I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
