My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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