If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
