Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
