god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
