I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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