You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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