The maid of honor just puked.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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