I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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