I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
